It’s Free-For-All Friday! Click here and only watch for 10 seconds to know the glory that is playing in my head that I mentioned in the first Free-For-All post.

Today’s theme is spooked!

Spooked in a cave.

I’m easily spooked. I had to stop watching scary movies in college due to two incidents.

The first, I saw Signs. I was so afraid to walk up the one story to my dorm room. I called my roommate and forced her to meet me at friend Chea’s car (bet she loved those random roommate assignments at that moment).  If Chea and I had had tin foil hats in the car I can 100% guarantee we would have been wearing them.

Incident two was due to The Exorcism of Emily Rose. There’s a part in the movie where they make some kind of statement that the Devil possess people around 3AM as a F-U to the holy trinity. I kid you not, for a week straight after seeing it I woke up, full awake, at 3 AM. This could have been because I had to pee, which I didn’t do because I was too afraid to leave my bed. Then I got a bladder infection, then I really had to pee. Damn Devil and your burning pee.

Even with the outlawing of scary movies I still find ways to get spooked. Or rather Marcus still finds ways to spook me. Just the other night we were headed to bed and he’s always turning out lights, lights that keep monsters away (more on that later). He turned off the light in the room where we watch TV and because he’s always turning out lights and TV room is in the basement it left me in near cave-darkness. Normally I could semi-handle this except as I shrieked, “eeep!” instead of being a gentleman and turning a light on he made a noise like a zombie. I nearly cried…(seriously, just ask him). I had to be consoled before I could go upstairs to bed.

You may be wondering how I’ve been able to function as a semi-adult for this long when I get more and more spooked with age. Well you see there are rules. Rules for keeping scary things away. I don’t know where I learned them, I’ve just always known them. I suppose they came from God and I was born knowing them, my own golden tablets. So now I share with you the rules, so that you may never be met by a scary…

Rules for Keeping Monsters (or other creeps away, like vampires coming out of toilets)

Keep away by never clipping your toenails.

1. Lights On! Obviously. Monsters don’t like light if they did they’d live in greenhouses, not under beds and in closets.

2. Have company. Monsters are solitary creatures looking for easy pickings, they also apparently prefer the good eating of loners over the less appetizing mean girl all bones buffets. It is also useful if you are faster at running than your company.

3. Pets! If you don’t have friends or parents to protect you. (Or in my case, a 4-year-old brother to stand outside the bathroom door as you shower to make sure the Candyman doesn’t come through the mirror) a pet will suffice. In actuality it’s best to have a person and a pet. We all know that dogs and cats can sense the creepers we can’t see so then you’ll really have all of your bases covered. If the Timmy cat at the foot of your bed is sleeping soundly at 3 AM, chances are it’s safe to go the bathroom.

4. Sound. Any sound works, a T.V. is my favorite (turns out Zombies can’t stand ANTM). However, a radio is good and if it’s the only thing available, singing also works. Singing is ideal for bathroom trips if you don’t live in The Four Season’s Hotel and therefore don’t have a T.V. in your bathroom mirror. My favorite anti-monster song is Annie Lenox’s Walking on Broken Glass, or as I thought it went, funky phone, funky phone, funk and class. That version works perfectly because monsters hate it when you sing the wrong lyrics to a pop diva’s song. Be warned though, just talking to yourself does NOT work; it just turns you into the creepy that people will sing to avoid. Noise works of course because a monster has obviously lost his edge if he has to out noise a noise with a, “roar…..ehhhm, ROAR!”

With these rules in hand I have never actually met a monster so that is proof they work. So please use them, have a monster free weekend and always check the toilet for a vampire before you sit down.


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