Hello, my name is Kristen and I’m a Kristen. That’s not a Christina, Christian, or Christy, never to be confused with Kirstin or Kerstin and for the love of grass absolutely not a Kristin. (Kristin’s are lovely people, just not as lovely as us -tens).
Rumor has it I was named because of (not for, the parents promise) the character in the television show Dallas. This hearsay might be true but Kristin Shepard was a husband stealing, overdosing, JR shooting hussie and I am pretty much only one of those things. Most importantly of course I am an -ten not a -tin.
My name is not uncommon (until you throw in the Ditges). Growing up I personally knew one Kristin but no Kristens. Kristin had really long blonde hair, reminded me of a Sweet Valley Twin, and got to dance on the center spot in dance class. Therefore, I secretly hated her. I’ve obviously moved on, obviously.
Recently it has been quite fabulous to know that there are other Kristens out there. Really cool Kristens, all rep-ing the -ten. I conducted a study. By study I mean I thought really hard during my drive to work today. The results are in and here is the misleading USA Today-esq headline: Unscientific Evidence Proves 4 out of 5 Kristens are Utterly Hilarious.
Kristen 1 out of 5
All you need to know: Tiny Hands, Bridesmaids, copied my dance moves (according to Rachel and Sara)
Kristen 2 out of 5
All you need to know: Sloths, appearances on Craig Ferguson, will play me in the yet to be written/released romantic comedy about Marcus, me and our meet cute.
Kristen 3 out of 5
All you need to know: The Daily Show (you might also know about Flight of the Conchords but since I’m the lone nearly-hipster who doesn’t like that show I meant not to mention it but now I have so poop). Fun fact, she’s from Longmont, CO! If only she would have been in my dance class…
Kristen 4 out of 5
All you need to know: I write the blog so I make the rules. I’m hilarious and if you don’t believe it, well, then you should at least know that I may be awesome. The box says so and photographic evidence doesn’t lie, ever.
Kristen 5 out of 5
All you need to know: There is one in every bunch. She is ours, the unscientific study ruining, Kristen name misrepresenting black booger (I happen to like black sheep, so she can’t be a sheep). I know from watching Matt Lauer attempt to interview her that you would have a more interesting conversation with a piece of bark than you would talking to her. I think we should ask her politely to take on a more appropriate Kristen name variation. I’m thinking Krystyn would be perfect!