Romantic Stretch Pants

It’s a well known fact (not that I let FACTS dictate this blog) that  I am an excellent advise giver but did you know I’m also a much regarded fashionista? Due to the high demand (2) of people wanting to know how to make stretch pants more romantic, I’m here, to share my best tips on making the romance from your stretch pants.

Step One: Re-branding
You might be asking yourself, why I am I reading this shit? Well I can’t help you there, it’s puzzles me as well. If however you are ALSO asking yourself, stretch pants, how could those ever be romantic? Well that’s easy to answer, start by calling them leggings.

Step Two: Fit n’ Firm
Let’s be honest stretch pants leggings only look good on 7 people. However to look romantic in leggings is a much easier task. For instance you can make sure you are in very dim light. Dim light is romantic anyway so it will cancel out the fact that the leggings are hugging that extra butt cheek you didn’t have before donning the leggings.

Step Three: Hydration
Vodka.

Step Four: Saunter and Sway
This step will require some advance preparation. You’ll need to practice your saunter and sway. Best to pick a really groovy song, my personal favorite is I’m Gonna Be.  First listen to it alone in the car, tell yourself how sexy (and romantic!) you are. Then in the house while making a sexy dinner of boxed mac’n’cheese practice some moves. After eating the entire box (4 servings per box? My giant ass!) slip on those leggings and check out your moves in the mirror.

Step Five: Accessorize
You’ve got the moves, you’ve got the lighting, you’ve got the full belly (vodka and cheese!) but you won’t have truly romantic stretch pants until you accessorize. My favorite romantic accessory? Trash bag poncho, it distracts from the fact that I somehow think leggings can be romantic and turns it all into one big sexy joke. When choosing your accessories go with what suits you, it could be a paper bag over your head or a throw back long sleeved shirt tied at the waist. Also consider your audience, it is best not to accessorize with a gorilla mask if the target has recently watched Planet of the Apes.

Final Step: The reveal
The romantic time has come. You should feel extremely prepared if you followed all of the above steps. Now in order to make the legging/stretch pants (whatever) truly romantic you must TAKE THEM OFF because even with all your hard work we all know that leggings are just glorified pajamas.  They are merely a way for college students to pretend to be wearing pants or  old people to wear dresses that are too short for them…

I would know.

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