HR, Hell on Repeat

Ok, the title is  a bit dramatic but hey, overreactions sell, just ask Glenn Beck.

For the lucky ones of you that don’t know that part of my cushy job is, well that is to say part of the dues I pay for having a cushy job are, what I’m really getting to is that I’ve sold my soul to the Devil of Human Resources in order to get time off to go to summer camp. Wait, What? Simply, I work (some times) in HR and it blows. That’s not to say my work, coworkers or company blows, they don’t. However, anyone who can, with a straight face, tell you that doing anything vaguely resembling Human Resources is anything other than miserable is actually a tricky demon. You should run, they are simply trying to trick you into taking their place so they may again be free. I think if you watch all the seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer you’ll see an episode involving a tricky HR demon. I think it’s in the later seasons after Dawn the fake sister appears. I digress.

Part of being in HR means I am painfully involved in the hiring process. I’ve attempted to delegate as much as possible away from myself but alas, there are somethings are just unshakable. And it is in completing these tasks that I learn a bit about people looking for jobs and information I wish they knew before they attempted to get hired by me or anyone for that matter.

Kristen’s List of Full Proof Things She Thought You Would Already Know You Should Do When Applying for a Job

  • You should put your name on the top of your resume. This saves me from accusing coworkers of stealing the first page of your resume off the printer only to find out they were innocent and you just think you’re special and you put your name at the end of your resume. If you insist on putting it at the end don’t forget the ::drops the mic:: footnote, Kanye.
  • You should put your current address after your name (the name that’s at the top). I don’t really care if you once lived in New Hampshire I want to know if you live here, where the job is, if you don’t, don’t make me ask you when you are arriving here, there are cover letters for that. I’m not going to hire a person that makes me do their work for them BEFORE I hire them. That’s only something I do for already hired people.
  • Speaking of cover letters. It depends on the job. I’m rarely hiring for something very formal and formal cover letters throw me off (not always in a bad way). I do however really appreciate even a little inkling that I’m a human. I’m so desperate a simple email note of,  “I saw your ad and would like to be considered for the position” makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, warm and fuzzy is good for both of us.
  • You should include your email on your resume. I know it’s hip to be all incognito or to pretend you are off the grid. I’m sure you tell all your friends at the hummus bar, “Oh we don’t HAVE the internet.” and they are impressed by how grounded you are but I’m not.  You must have it somewhere because you replied to my online advertisement. I don’t want to make 15 of the same phone call if I can just send one email instead. Don’t make me dislike you before I’ve even emailed you.
  • On the topic of email. I’m sure you just love your email hotrodzandbodz@msn.com because it just is an expression of yourself and your values. In fact I’ll take it as that and put your resume on the bottom of the stack. Here’s a tip, email addresses are FREE  you can keep you kittielover3232323@aol.com AND get a professional sounding email for, you know, professional things. It doesn’t even have to be clever. May I suggest yournamehere@gmail.com. I know, I’m a genius (who just got a spelling error on the word genius).
  • If I send you a questionnaire via email with specific instructions how to answer said questions (via email) do not call me and proceed to tell me for 15 minutes how awesome you are and then ask me what the next step is. Guess what? It is to answer my email, except now I will find any answers you give me just as annoying as your, “I’m the Greatest” Soliloquy.
  • Spell my name right. It’s right there in the email it’s even in the Kristen ITC font (don’t be jealous there is a font named after me) that’s double Kristen. Don’t put an “i” because that “i” stands for “i” will cut you and I will.

Thank you for your consideration,

Kristen, HR God
::drops mic::

 

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One thought on “HR, Hell on Repeat

  1. Using the Kristen ITC font is a stroke of genius!

    Even though I’d follow all these, I’m glad I never have to fill out a resume ever again. (though if I had to, I’d try to find a Zach font to use)

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